NaBloPoMO

NaBloPoMo January 2012 NaBloPoMo February 2012 NaBloPoMo March 2012 NaBloPoMo April 2012 NaBloPoMo May 2012 NaBloPoMo October 2012

Monday, May 28, 2012

You are my obsession

I haven't written a blog post in almost a week.  And there is a very good reason for that.  

I do not say the following lightly. It has been a hard realization to accept, and is actually quite painful in many ways.  But, I am opening my fears to the light (see "Cockroaches" post) in the hopes that they will shrivel away to nothing, as a result.

You see...I have obsessive tendencies.  More than tendencies, actually...more like proclivities (which I think are much stronger than tendencies).  As a result, I can take something perfectly wonderful and enjoyable, and turn it into a necessity...a chore...a stressor.  

I can also take a simple thought, and turn it into a whirlwind of emotional hell. 
(I mean, really...how bad is it when you are obsessing over your own obsessiveness?!)

It's a gift I have. 

*sigh*

So...last week--when I was on emotional overload and having a full-force meltdown--I actually stopped and took a few breaths  (after fully cracking, of course).  For once, (the first time ever?) I was actually able to see what I was doing, and to consider making a different choice.  For once, (the first time ever?), I was able to consider that there was a different choice that could be made.  

And, through the magic of Twitter, I found a voice that resonated...a mantra that became my own:

"It is safe to take it easy and trust in the process of life."

Then, of course, I added my own special flavor:

"For god's sake, stop trying so hard, and just be!" 

Yes! This was the ticket. 

And the combination of the two became my battle cry.

I actually stopped (yes, again) to consider what other things I was obsessing about.  Where was the stress...the pressure...the worry?   How could I release it, and just be?  How could I stop and just enjoy my present moments?


So...no blog posts for a few days.  No obligation of words or thoughts...no requirement of myself.  Instead, I have simply been focusing on the moments before me, and allowing myself to move through whatever feelings and ideas come along. 


It's not always easy.  Sometimes the storm hits before I've noticed the clouds in time to batten down the hatches.  But it's better.  When the feelings or thoughts start niggling...when the voices start harping...when the barbs start poking...I am beginning to notice them and am coming realize that they are almost always unnecessary.  

I can wave hello, consider their true importance and--in most cases--release them...which, in truth, is releasing myself.  And it has been such a relief. 


I write tonight because I want to...not because I "have" to.  I write to release myself a bit more.  I'll be back...though I'm not exactly sure when.  I guess I'll know when the moment strikes. 

Until then, yet another cheesy 80s video to sum up an integral aspect of my being, and to bring a smile to your face.  



Tuesday, May 22, 2012

The end is near

It's been two long, but productive, days of conferences...and they're all done. Each thing is my "last time", and they all make me...

Sadder,
More excited,
Worried
Happy

All rolled into one.

It's gonna be a heckuva couple of weeks.

Sunday, May 20, 2012

Burning Ring of Fire

The annular eclipse occurred tonight, and I looked up at it (carefully, and with my sunglasses on) in wonder.

Okay...I couldn't see much, but that's not the point.

These suckers don't happen often, ya know, and I find it telling that it occurred on the day that I, myself, had a shift.

Today was the day that I gave myself a new mantra:

"It is time to take it easy and trust in the process of life. (For god's sake,) stop trying so hard...just be."

And so it is that I'm setting out this week with a sense of stopping...a sense of just....ahhhh.

How odd to have a goal of doing nothing....off requiring myself to stop considering. Instead my goal is to not worry about goals, or solutions, or end products. Just be here, be me, and let go of the rest.

It feels really good.

Friday, May 18, 2012

End of the work week

Ready for some weekend time with my girl and some Oregon spring time sunshine for good measure.

Tonight was dinner and a movie.

Off to a good start.

Thursday, May 17, 2012

Thursday's good feelings reminder

Blink.
Blink.
Blink.

My cursor is mocking me.

"What...no grand words? No pithy insights?"

No, you damned spawn of technology, I don't. My brain has been drained of all coherent thought. All that is left is hormone soaked mush.

So, instead, I leave you with the most uplifting and positive thinking song ever made.  
Enjoy*

*PCC...this is for you.

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Not feeling' it

PMS is a bitch.
Bleeding is so much easier, so please let the flow begin.

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Why are there no good 80s songs for Tuesday?

No entertaining MTV music video today...just a day. 

The sun is still shining, and the mood is still holding strong and positive.  (Woo hoo!)

The partner, though, is still wading through the muck, waiting for the antibiotics to kick some serious infection ass and give her a reprieve.  It's so hard to see her so miserable and in so much pain...with nothing I can do to make it stop.  

It helps to remind myself that it isn't always this way (at least not to this extent), and that it will ease...it will get better.  I guess it's the best I can do for now. 

That, and a good head massage.
; )

Monday, May 14, 2012

Manic Monday

Back to work on a warm sunny Monday.  

The day went well...productive and relatively calm.  

The partner is now fighting an ear and sinus infection, but will hopefully soon be on the mend. (Thank god for antibiotics.)  

And, as usual, I am looking forward to sleeping well tonight, and hoping for a rested mind and body in the morning.  


I suppose it's not bad for a Monday.  





Sunday, May 13, 2012

Pain, you ignorant slut.

Pain sucks.

Almost literally.

It sucks the energy out of you.

It wears you out and brings you down.

Fighting it is useless...that actually makes it worse, adding even more stress to the system.

It waxes and wanes, so you just wait for the precious bit of relief.

Until then, all you can do is be where you are.

Saturday, May 12, 2012

A lovely Saturday.

It was a day filled with sunshine, outdoors, friends, and dance. The mind was full of beauty, and now the body is tired.

Thursday, May 10, 2012

No thoughts tonight...

...and it's a blessing.

Just a peaceful mind and a tired body.

That's all there is for now.

And it's more than enough.

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Only Wednesday? Really?

It's been a rough week...and it's only half over. (Oh dear lord.)

The partner and I are both fighting the "creeping crud" (Thanks, mom...that describes the feeling perfectly), and I have evidently decided that this is the week that any and all angst I have about leaving my job will come to full crescendo.  

Yep, that's me...highly emotional. (Anyone surprised?  Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?).  Frustrated by own inability to identify--much less deal with--my own damn feelings.  And all of this just leads to more emotional overload.

Gosh, this is fun.  

It feels a little like a hot, wet, wool blanket lying on top of me.  I want to crawl out from underneath, but I don't have the energy to push through the weight.  Instead, I just want to sleep, and hope that the morning will bring relief.  

So far, no luck with that.  

Rationally, I know it will pass...but it feels like it's been here a bit too long.  It's definitely worn out its welcome.  

For now, I will do my best to clear my mind, rest my body, and take care of my heart.  It's the best I can do with the resources I've got. 


Oh yeah...and to remember to repeat the mantra:
"Depression is a lying bastard."

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Fighting the creeping crud (as Mom used to call it)

And evidently losing.

Stayed home and slept off and on all day, and yet I still feel like road kill.

The body hurts and the brain is full of fog. All I can do is try to rest as best I can and hope that tomorrow brings some relief.

What a drag

Sunday, May 6, 2012

The intention was to be rested

Sadly, not the reality.

For some reason I can't seem to recover and am, instead, consistently exhausted. And this only leads to a more overly-emotional me.

Not an enjoyable prospect for anyone involved.

So tonight I try again.

At 7:30, I am heading off to bed in the hopes of waking up rested and refreshed.

Oh dear lord, please may it be so.

Saturday, May 5, 2012

Luna-lunar-lunatic

The body hurts and the brain is fuzzy. SO not how I wanted my weekend to go.

But here it is, nonetheless.

The moon is set to be full and huge tonight. My hope is that, tomorrow--as it begins to wane--improvement is seen.

Friday, May 4, 2012

TGIF

The weekend is here.

Hurray!

May yours be filled with sunshine.

Thursday, May 3, 2012

The real Thursday post

-Sock puppet therapy
-Mango Tamarind juice and tacos for dinner
-Salted caramel dark chocolate ice cream for dessert
-Home to a calm pug and a clean house
-Bloggess read aloud
-Snuggles and lights out by 8:00
-Tomorrow is Friday

'nuff said.

What I should have posted yesterday

The wisest words from the daughter...

...as she was hugging me...

...after I had emotional meltdown...

"Today was a difficult day. Tomorrow will be better."

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Attempt #2

A good night's sleep?  Not so much.

Calm, easy day?  Nope. 

*sigh*

Maybe we can try that whole "go to bed early" again thing tonight.  

Hopefully this time, it'll stick.