I do not say the following lightly. It has been a hard realization to accept, and is actually quite painful in many ways. But, I am opening my fears to the light (see "Cockroaches" post) in the hopes that they will shrivel away to nothing, as a result.
You see...I have obsessive tendencies. More than tendencies, actually...more like proclivities (which I think are much stronger than tendencies). As a result, I can take something perfectly wonderful and enjoyable, and turn it into a necessity...a chore...a stressor.
I can also take a simple thought, and turn it into a whirlwind of emotional hell.
(I mean, really...how bad is it when you are obsessing over your own obsessiveness?!)
It's a gift I have.
So...last week--when I was on emotional overload and having a full-force meltdown--I actually stopped and took a few breaths (after fully cracking, of course). For once, (the first time ever?) I was actually able to see what I was doing, and to consider making a different choice. For once, (the first time ever?), I was able to consider that there was a different choice that could be made.
And, through the magic of Twitter, I found a voice that resonated...a mantra that became my own:
"It is safe to take it easy and trust in the process of life."
Then, of course, I added my own special flavor:
"For god's sake, stop trying so hard, and just be!"
Yes! This was the ticket.
And the combination of the two became my battle cry.
I actually stopped (yes, again) to consider what other things I was obsessing about. Where was the stress...the pressure...the worry? How could I release it, and just be? How could I stop and just enjoy my present moments?
So...no blog posts for a few days. No obligation of words or thoughts...no requirement of myself. Instead, I have simply been focusing on the moments before me, and allowing myself to move through whatever feelings and ideas come along.
It's not always easy. Sometimes the storm hits before I've noticed the clouds in time to batten down the hatches. But it's better. When the feelings or thoughts start niggling...when the voices start harping...when the barbs start poking...I am beginning to notice them and am coming realize that they are almost always unnecessary.
I can wave hello, consider their true importance and--in most cases--release them...which, in truth, is releasing myself. And it has been such a relief.
I write tonight because I want to...not because I "have" to. I write to release myself a bit more. I'll be back...though I'm not exactly sure when. I guess I'll know when the moment strikes.
Until then, yet another cheesy 80s video to sum up an integral aspect of my being, and to bring a smile to your face.