These are the words I would like to come to describe me.
After fighting my weight for essentially my whole life, many years ago I lost a significant amount of weight. It took an extended time to reach my goal (a full year), but I did it. In the beginning it felt strange...I would be surprised every time I saw myself in the mirror or went shopping for clothes. The person I had been for so long was the solid image I had of myself, and my mind was even slower to adjust, than my body was to lose the weight in the first place.
For quite awhile after I had lost the weight, I would run into people who had known me "before," and they would react with surprise when they saw me. They, too, expected what they had always known of me.
Now, most of the people I associate with only know me as the size I am, and have been for these many years. To them, this is who I am.
Now, rather than my outside, I am working to change my inside. Having always been defined and described as "energetic," "perky," or "bubbly," I find myself wanting, instead to be calm, tranquil, at peace. Clearly this is an even bigger change than my body transformation. But in many ways the process--for both me, and those who know me--is very similar.
As with weight loss, it is sometimes slow going (can you say "glacial pace"). And, as with weight loss, it is often two steps forward and one step back. It is a process of slowly changing habits...replacing things that are "bad for me" for those that are good. It requires patience, commitment, desire, and true intent if I want to succeed. Most importantly, I have want to make the change for myself...not for anyone, or anything, else.
Just like when my body changed, my "new" self feels strange and unknown. I sometimes fall back into bad habits (damn you, mudslide ice cream and the chores that "need" to be done), and I am sometimes surprised by what I "see" when I look at myself. But the last nine years have taught me some things:
-Transformation is a continual process...you never get "there," you are always on the path.
-Even good change causes disequilibrium and can be quite discombobulating for awhile, until it becomes the norm.
-Not everyone will like the change...some may act with disdain and/or jealousy. Pay them no mind...that's their stuff, not yours.
-Although it will always be an on-going process, it will eventually become your skin, and you will find comfort within it.
-Cry when you need to, then wake up the next morning ready to continue on.
-Baby steps really are enough.
So...although there are emails to write and laundry to wash, at this moment I sit in peace, quiet, and calm. For, in this moment, I am the person I want to become.