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Monday, April 30, 2012

Sleep is nature's way of keeping us sane.

Being tired makes everything else seem so much bigger...and darker...and scarier...and more overwhelming.  Tonight would not be a good night to ruminate or consider.  Tonight is a good night to have a warm snuggle, go to sleep early, and see how things look in the morning. 

I have a feeling I will see remarkable improvement.   
 

Sunday, April 29, 2012

Apologies

One would assume that, if you are anything like me, there are many times when you want to sincerely apologize for something you've done. You are truly sorry that something you've done has hurt someone else, or that you have somehow offended someone unintentionally.

But there is a different kind of apology, as well. This is the kind where, in the course of the (often emotionally charged) discussion you suddenly realize:

"Shit...They're absolutely right."

These are the apologies for which you hope the other person can see both your remorse, AND the fact that you really do understand that you were the one at fault. It's not that blame needs to be placed, but more that you are so fully aware of your own responsibility for the situation, that you want to be sure that the other person knows that you know.

Whew.

For me, these are the easiest apologies to give, but often the hardest to move on from. I feel the mistake so deeply, and it's so important to me that the other person understands fully both my sadness for hurting them and my realization of my error, that I have a tendency to wallow and worry. This, in turn, can actually make the situation worse as I either over analyze and over apologize and/or ruminate on the possible outcomes until I've worked myself into a dither.

Did I say "Whew!"?

But, as with so many things in my life right now, I'm working on it.

And, as with so many things in my life right now, I'm trying to keep New Year's resolution #7 in mind:

Remember that baby steps are enough.

And if this has upset or offended you in any way, I sincerely apologize.

Saturday, April 28, 2012

Ahhh...the weekend.

Spent the day working in the yard. 

I feel accomplished, as well as thrilled with the results. 

Tomorrow, I mow. 

Tonight, I'm finishing up a bit work, then some full-on relaxation therapy.  

Not a bad way to spend a Saturday. 
 

Friday, April 27, 2012

A weird Friday evening.

After a fabulous happy hour excursion with my BFF, tonight I am all by myself.  And this doesn't happen often. 

The partner is off with her Yeti friends and the daughter is off with her besties.  I am here with the pets, a bit flummoxed with what exactly to do with myself.  It's not that I don't have lovely things I could do (read trashy magazines, watch a chick flick, Pinterest til the sun comes up, go to sleep early...), it's just that I'm so unprepared for the aloneness, I'm not sure where to turn.  


For now, I'll just check the Twitter feed and see where that leads. 

Thursday, April 26, 2012

The days are long...

...but the years are short. 

I must keep reminding myself of this, as I thank goodness that I made it through another long, busy day.  

The weekend is close at hand.  Hopefully, much rest will be had. 

 

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Feeling closer to myself

This has been a very tiring week.  

Busy as all hell--with a dog who wasn't feeling well and so needed to wake me up 10 (yes...truly...10!) times last night--I am fighting to stay awake until at least 8:00. (Anything earlier seems somehow ridiculous.)  The back is hurting, and work feels big...so much to think about, keep up with, and plan for in the next five short/long weeks. And so very much change and uncertainty for the near future. 

And, yet, weirdly...

I seem to be slowly finding myself closer to myself. 

It's happening in little steps. 

A bit of acceptance of change here...some ironic humor there...and a little bit of glorious sunshine and a hint of summer thrown in for good measure. 


Maybe it's just the exhaustion talking, but I am feeling ever so slightly more settled...more solid and grounded.* 

*(At least right now...wait 5 minutes, it could change.)

It feels good, in this moment, to have a feeling of sanity and clarity.  


Hopefully, when the more challenging moments come (and come, they will...that's just life), I can remember how this felt, and it will reassure me that I can find my way back to here once again. 
 

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Not feelin' it.

Not feeling all wordsmithy tonight.  Much more in the "enjoy the fresh air" and the "read something enjoyable" and maybe even the "spend some time on Pinterest" mood.  So...not much to say.  

Instead, I bid you all to find your own mood for the evening and, for just a few minutes...follow your bliss. 
 
 

Monday, April 23, 2012

Here come the clouds

The weather is changing quickly. The clouds are rolling in and the temperature is dropping.

*sigh*

The sun is gone for now.

I know it will be back, but it is so hard to watch it hide away for now.

Did I say: sigh?

*sigh*

The sky sure is pretty, though.

Sunday, April 22, 2012

Trying to just enjoy the now

There is one more day of this gorgeous weather scheduled to arrive, then back to the usual springtime "liquid sunshine." Although I'm doing my best to just appreciate the beautiful weather as it's here, I must admit that a bit of anxiety is creeping in. I'm ready for some extended warmth and vitamin D from the sky, and am not looking forward to clouds and rain returning.

I can sense its closeness, though.

The leaves on the trees are more than just wilty sprouts, tulips are coloring the neighborhood like a box of 64 crayons, I hear the birds' songs each morning as I head home on my walk, and the air smells sweeter.

The promise is there.

I just need to be patient.

(Breathe in....breathe out)

Okay...I'm ready now.

At least for a little while.

Saturday, April 21, 2012

I could get used to this

Marshmallow roasting with the girls in our own backyard, under a beautiful topaz sky.

This definitely doesn't suck.

Friday, April 20, 2012

What a looooooong Friday it has been.

Usually Friday's are easy going...the weekend is almost here and everything just seems a little bit less urgent.

But not today.

Today never stopped.

My allergies made my head pound, my ears clog, and my throat scratch. As a result, the patience wore thin and the irritability ran high. And to add insult to injury, I scheduled myself for a 4:00 meeting.

I mean, really...

...what the hell was I thinking?!

But for now I am taking a moment to breathe and find my grounding. Soon I will head home (with a quick stop for take-out sushi), for quiet, at home time with the partner. All weekend, the sun is scheduled to shine, and that will rejuvenate me.

So, in the end, it will all be well.

Thursday, April 19, 2012

Great thoughts will have to wait

I have some great thoughts for this blog tonight...but sadly neither the time nor the energy with which to execute them.  

So for now they'll need to continue to percolate.  

Who knows...maybe, like cheap coffee, the longer they percolate, the stronger they'll get. 

One can hope.  

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Passing on a Legacy

Today was a rough day for the daughter.  A little too much peer pressure led to some bad decision making (and then the "getting caught" part of the scenario), she's had a major change at school, and homework looked overwhelming.  All of this came together in the perfect storm, leading to tears of frustration and a sense of "I can't do it all!"  

Sadly, up until recently, this was the same type of thinking and behavior I had modeled for her.  

Happily, it is changing. 

Tonight, instead of getting upset or frustrated myself, I was able to simply be with her in support.  When she began to spiral up, feeling overwhelmed and over-emotional, I was able to hold her, calm  her, and help her take things just one step at a time.  Now she is confidently moving through her work, asking questions when necessary, then returning back to her independence.   

This the type of mindset and behavior I am modeling more and more these days.  

This is a legacy I can be proud of.  

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Two down, three to go

I have completed the Tuesday.  

Not a bad day.  

In fact, it was quite informative.  I learned a great deal about cortisol and melatonin, how important they are to a good night's sleep, and how to help keep them balanced appropriately. 

Although there will be new adventures, and new experiences, this type of learning will be something I miss when I leave.  

And today was not a bad day.  

Wednesday...I think I'm ready for you.  

(And for those of you who care...the sweet baby Jesus finally blessed me today, and the blood is a-flowin'.  I am saying my gratefuls for the lack of hormone-induced psychosis this month.)

Monday, April 16, 2012

Feeling Bloaty

Yep...it's that time of the month. And it's definitely taking its sweet baby Jesus time getting here. In the meantime, the whale has beached and exhaustion is setting in. All I need is a pound or so of chocolate and I should be fine in a day or so

*sigh*

Sunday, April 15, 2012

A Taste of Summer

Today I felt a drop of summer on my tongue...and now it is all I am craving.

The sun was shining, we worked together in the yard, and at the end of the day we stepped back and admired our accomplishments.

My yards beckon me.

"Bring a refreshing glass of iced tea," they call out. I find myself making mental lists of how to add to their beauty, and daydreaming of warm starry nights and backyard fire pits.

Sadly, though, it seems the sun is leaving us again. The weekly forecast calls for rain and clouds. Maybe it's the Universe's way of keeping me from tossing everything to the wind and starting my summer this instant.

But I tasted it...and I know the sweetness it holds. Only a few short months and it will return for good...or at least for awhile.

For now, spring will have to do.

Saturday, April 14, 2012

Grateful for the basics

I recently read a blog in which the writer discussed how easy it was to take some of the most basic things--things that make our lives easier, and help them run more smoothly--for granted.

So...here is my "List of gratefuls--the basics":

-my iPhone
-my computer
-the Internet
-my car
-my beautiful house
-my washer and dryer
-hot showers
-soft sheets
-cozy sweatshirts
-comfortable shoes
-indoor plumbing
-clean socks
-a good heating system
-automatic coffee pots
-flush toilets

It's nowhere near all of the things that make my life easier, but it's a start.

Friday, April 13, 2012

Friday night.

Fighting the belly bug and needing lots of rest. Otherwise a quiet Friday off. Funny how all the work I planned to do was overridden by the overwhelming need to nap and Pinterest.

(Can Pinterest be a verb?)

Have had a lovely dinner with the fam, and am off to watch a movie.

A pretty decent end to the week.

Thursday, April 12, 2012

Thursday...no, Friday...no, Thursday

It's a Thursday, acting like a Friday.  No work or school tomorrow...just chores and assignments.  

But it does mean a morning of sleeping in (hallelujah!), and doing my duties in my jammies, so that's not too bad.  

How can only four days have felt so long and made me so very tired?

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Synonyms

Quiet
Still
Calm
Peaceful
Tranquil
Relaxed
Balanced
Content

These are the words I would like to come to describe me.

After fighting my weight for essentially my whole life, many years ago I lost a significant amount of weight. It took an extended time to reach my goal (a full year), but I did it. In the beginning it felt strange...I would be surprised every time I saw myself in the mirror or went shopping for clothes. The person I had been for so long was the solid image I had of myself, and my mind was even slower to adjust, than my body was to lose the weight in the first place.

For quite awhile after I had lost the weight, I would run into people who had known me "before," and they would react with surprise when they saw me. They, too, expected what they had always known of me.

Now, most of the people I associate with only know me as the size I am, and have been for these many years. To them, this is who I am.

Now, rather than my outside, I am working to change my inside. Having always been defined and described as "energetic," "perky," or "bubbly," I find myself wanting, instead to be calm, tranquil, at peace. Clearly this is an even bigger change than my body transformation. But in many ways the process--for both me, and those who know me--is very similar.

As with weight loss, it is sometimes slow going (can you say "glacial pace"). And, as with weight loss, it is often two steps forward and one step back. It is a process of slowly changing habits...replacing things that are "bad for me" for those that are good. It requires patience, commitment, desire, and true intent if I want to succeed. Most importantly, I have want to make the change for myself...not for anyone, or anything, else.

Just like when my body changed, my "new" self feels strange and unknown. I sometimes fall back into bad habits (damn you, mudslide ice cream and the chores that "need" to be done), and I am sometimes surprised by what I "see" when I look at myself. But the last nine years have taught me some things:

-Transformation is a continual process...you never get "there," you are always on the path.

-Even good change causes disequilibrium and can be quite discombobulating for awhile, until it becomes the norm.

-Not everyone will like the change...some may act with disdain and/or jealousy. Pay them no mind...that's their stuff, not yours.

-Although it will always be an on-going process, it will eventually become your skin, and you will find comfort within it.

-Cry when you need to, then wake up the next morning ready to continue on.

-Baby steps really are enough.

So...although there are emails to write and laundry to wash, at this moment I sit in peace, quiet, and calm. For, in this moment, I am the person I want to become.



Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Happy April

With some sunshine, fresh air, and a long walk, it wasn't a bad day at all. 

As the school year--and my job--come to an end, I am working to fully appreciate the joys that teaching, and my students, give me.  Their unconditional love and appreciation are truly things to aspire to.  Their joy of life is contagious, and I am doing my best to soak it up as much as I can.  

There is so much I can learn from them.  

Monday, April 9, 2012

Back to work.

Back to work, but I feel so disconnected from it all. And just one day seems to have taken all the wind out of my sails. Once again, I just need to sleep.

What I wouldn't do to feel rested for an extended period of time.

Evidently, today is not that day.

Sunday, April 8, 2012

Bonus

Because I was at a Seder last night and so didn't get around to blogging...

...Here's a special shout-out to all of you celebrating Eastover this year. Happy spring!

One of my better Sundays

It's quiet here.

The daughter is giggling at something she's watching, the partner is napping in my lap, the puppy is snoozing in a sunbeam, and I....am doing nothing.

Okay, literally I'm sitting on the couch browsing a variety of reading materials (and, of course, writing this blog). But I'm not feeling pressured to do anything in particular (I'm even ignoring the laundry) and it feels pretty darn good.

Tomorrow I return to work, but I'm ok with that. For now, I'll just enjoy the last remnants of my extended vacation.

Thursday, April 5, 2012

Attempt #2

Let's try this again.

Time to leave the sunshine (for now, anyway), and head to rainy Portland.

We're packed (almost) and ready to head out again in the morning. We are all ready to be home with our fuzzy family members, spending time with our friends, and sleeping in our own beds.

What an incredible trip it's been, though. Time to be together, to have adventures, to rest, and to contemplate life. Not too bad for 10 days.

Adios, Guatemala. Hasta pronto!

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Okay, maybe not.

The Universe has spoken.

Twisters in Texas have kept us in this beautiful country. So--in forced exile--I sit in the sunshine (next to a sparkling pool), get a massage, read a chic-lit novel, and order room service.

And tomorrow I'll be forced to do it all again.

Nope...doesn't suck.

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Time to say good-bye...for now

We're packed up and ready to head home.

We're taking Guatemala with us, though. The colors, the sounds, the people...they've become a part of us.

The "miracle of fourteen years ago" seems to have found her grounding. She is content and centered.

My level of gratefulness is unbounded.

Sunday, April 1, 2012

Yo estoy aqui

I am here.

The fresh air wafting through the open door; the rain pattering on the balcony; the sound of the (millions of!) crickets singing their night song.

If I stop and truly listen, I can here conversations and music floating by...dogs barking their own messages.

I am here.

It is all so different from my "regular" life, and yet today...for now...it is where I am meant to be

Yo estoy aqui.