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Saturday, March 31, 2012

Two of two

New goal: Learn how to acknowledge, accept, and release being sad for no reason.

It's scary as hell, that sadness, as it lays itself over me like a wet wool blanket. I can feel myself underneath it, but I can't pull myself out. The more I struggle against it to escape, the more tangled in it I become. I just end up more exhausted and more miserable than I started (and that's sayin' somethin'!). So now I will strive to try something new.

Surviving SFNR (sadness for no reason) in four easy steps:

1) Determine if there really IS a reason. If so, face it and deal with it (see "New Year's Resolutions"). If not, proceed to step two.

2) Accept that you're sad. State it aloud, if necessary. Be as kind to yourself as you would be to someone else you love. Let yourself know that it's ok to be sad. You're not crazy and it WILL pass.

3) Find a safe and supportive environment...and cry. (Partners' arms are great for this.). Do everything in your power to not question, not fret, and not judge. Just let it be, and let it flow through you.

4) Rest. You were probably tired to begin with (being unrested is the leading cause of SFNR), and you are now undoubtedly completely exhausted. Repeat step two, then put yourself to bed.

If all of the above steps are followed, you are almost guaranteed to feel like a new person in the morning.

One of two

Missed blogging yesterday due to a full day of Spanish lessons and Antigua investigation. So here is one of two for the day.

It's odd being still so much of the day. My body and brain are not sure what to do with all the time and calmness. Sadly, they don't necessarily agree with each other. Body says "rest", brain says "wander"...and not always to the best places.

I often wonder: WTF?! Why does my mind want to pull me down a rabbit hole when all is truly well in my world? As I begin to descend (kicking and screaming the whole way) I try to be a open and honest with myself as possible.

Is there something I'm not admitting to myself?

Is there something I'm avoiding?

The answers seem to truly be no, yet there my mind grabs me and runs.


It seems Jenny is right...depression IS a lying bastard. Now I just need to learn how to ignore the lies.

Thursday, March 29, 2012


Calm, warm, secluded.

Chaotic, loud, crowded.

This is my Antigua experience.

The house is surrounded by trees, views of the volcanoes grace the bedroom windows. The sun shines, the birds chirp, and the fountains burble.

The city is bustling with cars, tuk-tuks, and people...all speaking a language I barely understand. (I feel foolish and guilty for visiting a country and not knowing more than the absolute basics of the language.). It is complete sensory overload. I find myself tightening...wishing for it all to stop.

And so I return to the house and its calm, quiet serenity.

I'll have more "new experiences" tomorrow.

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

This definitely does not suck.

My heart is slowing and my body is relaxing.

I am about to go sit beneath the Guatemalan stars, surrounded by three breathtaking volcanoes (one of which I watched blow a grey-white plume of smoke this morning.).

My family is with me and the sky was blue and filled with sunshine today.

Please tell me why I should ever leave.

Monday, March 26, 2012

14 Hours to Go

Tomorrow morning we head out.  
 Let the adventure begin!

But first I should probably pack.