I have been very frustrated with my feelings, of late.
At times, they seem to come in uncontrollable waves, often with little or no warning. One day--or even one hour--I'm fine, while the next I am a whirlwind of emotion...and most often not the good kind.
As one of my heroes, Jenny Lawson (otherwise known as the bloggess), says: "Depression is a lying bastard." And, it's a damned good liar, at that. My mind conjures ideas and stories--often not even fully formed, but definitely strong enough to batter and beat at me. They can take me down to my smallest, most pitiful form and, in those moments, I can barely see myself.
And then the wave passes. And I can feel myself again. And then I wonder...
Why? Why do I feel at such a loss within my own skin?
Is it just that this is a time of great change for me? A time in which I am questioning and examining so many things that I have ignored for so long? Growth and change are uncomfortable--often even painful...is this what I am feeling?
Is it hormones? Am I just in the grips of perimenopausal hell? It is definitely worse during certain times of the month.
Has my family's predilection for bi-polar disorder come to roost?
Does everyone feel this way at some point in their lives (a point other than their angst-ridden teen-age years), and now is just my time?
Whatever the reason...it frightens me. I feel a lack of control over my own feelings and responses. I fight to find my stillness when the waves come crashing, and sometimes I am successful. I work to allow them to flow through me, over me, around me, rather than overtake me and, again, it works far more often than it used to.
But there are still those days...those days when the gremlins find their way in, and rip and tear at my psyche and my heart, leaving me spent and frightened.
So, I've decided to chart my emotional waves. Maybe with care and attention I can identify a pattern or, to be more honest, a reason. Maybe they're not as bad as I sometimes think (she says, with hope in her voice).
Ultimately, time will tell. And then I will find my way through to the other side.