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Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Finding Stillness

"In the midst of movement and chaos, keep stillness inside of you."

When I first read these words, without thinking I smiled...and then I took a breath into my soul.  

My life, for so long, had been almost nothing but movement and chaos.  Surrounded constantly by sound...by distraction.  Lost in the fog of my own mind, thinking about the many more things that had to be done.  Worrying, processing, internalizing all the things that made me sad...pushing them down so far as to not even consciously know--or at least not acknowledge-- their existence. It was necessary to fill my life with movement and chaos in order to be able to overlook those difficult things that were demanding my attention.  It was easier to simply drown them out.  

But the Universe, although patient, is also perseverant.  If you ignore the gentle tap on the shoulder, it soon gives you a gentle shake.  And if that doesn't work...a smack up along side the head with a two-by-four may be necessary.  So, ultimately, it all came crashing down, and I was made to face my own demons, my own fears, and my own vulnerabilities.  And through the crashing of these waves...came stillness.  

The stillness is not easily accomplished.  It takes time to learn to stop, to listen, to accept without judgement,  to hear my own self calling out from within the chaos.  All of these things I am still learning, and I often still miss the mark.  But the difference is that I now know that this is the thing I must do.  I must become--I want to become--the center of that stillness, because that is nothing more nor less than the core of my being.  

In the moments that I can see it clearly, the stillness is complete.  For in that moment, there is no movement...no chaos.  There is only the here, the now, and the true, unvarnished, imperfect me.  And, for the first time in my life, that's pretty damned okay. 

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