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Friday, October 5, 2012

Well this is unexpected.

All of my adult life I have repeated the refrain:

I could never be a stay-at-home mom. 

I would hate being a stay-at-home mom. 

I would be so would make me crazy. 

Well, here I am...a 47 year old stay-at-home mom. least for the moment...I'm actually totally diggin' it.  

The Universe has spoken decisively and clearly on this issue.  I had "plans"...things I was going to do.  But those plans were not what I was meant to be doing, or where I was meant to be at the moment.  At the moment, I am quite obviously supposed to be right here.  

One of my resolutions for the year (for those of you who may have read them back in January, and actually remember them) was to live my values.  One of the most important values I defined was that my family is my absolute, number one priority.  And yet...

When the daughter(s) and SOSA both clearly and repeatedly commented on how much they enjoyed and appreciated having me as a SAHM, I poo-pooed them.  I continued my quest for "real work", thinking that this was only a short-time, temporary gig.  Well...the Universe had no time or patience for that shiz.  

Those "plans" I had? They temporarily "fell through".   

And...after a bit of whining and suddenly hit me that I hadn't been listening (or at least not hearing).  

But now I get it.  

Here and now, doing this, is exactly where I'm supposed to be.  

The message has finally met the mark, and I am settling in to just being, and living, and enjoying this incredible gift I have been given.  Not to be too corny but it is truly a blessing, and I intend to appreciate every single second of all of it.  

What an unexpected and joyous surprise.  

As always, I send my thanks to the Universe for its wisdom and its patience. 

Sometimes I can be a little slow on the uptake. 

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Are you listening? Then vote!

Well...October's blogging certainly got of to an inauspicious start.  Second day in, and...nothin'

But, here I am again today.  Clean slate.  New start.  All that jazz.  

With the presidential debates tonight, and with all of the politics that have been flying of late, I find myself quite disturbed by the vitriol being spewed these days.  Whatever happened to lively debate?  

Differing opinions on important topics?  

Respectful discourse?

Instead, so many people (on both sides of the spectrum) choose to vilify, denigrate, and outright lie about their opponents.  What this means is that we spend hours...days...weeks...thinking and talking and worrying about things that either don't matter or simply are not real.  

What a waste of our time and efforts. 

Wouldn't it be nice if we could trust that those that are supposedly asking for our trust would simply tell us the truth.

About what they believe.

About what they'll try to do.

About what they stand for. 

And then we could and would make our educated and informed choices about which people and which group would represent us.  

Evidently this is too much to ask, and so the rhetoric continues.  

I know that this is not news to most people in our country, and I hazard to guess that most people in our country would prefer an intelligent discussion of the many issues that face us and our nation.   Until that happens, though (did anyone hear ice forming in Hades?) we can only do the best we can to attention...think...consider...cross our fingers....


Monday, October 1, 2012

Back to Blogging

Okay, Blogher...I accept the challenge!  NaBloPoMo October is on!  

This month is all about masks...the ones we wear every day for so many reasons. 

What I'm coming to realize is that the one I wear is for protection.  If I keep myself--my feelings, my fears, my foibles, and my failings--hidden from others, maybe they won't see or know how truly flawed I am.  

But the truth is that this keeps me separated from the people I love and need the most.  And it keeps me from being there for them just as much.  Neither of these is an acceptable outcome...neither of these is what I want.   

So today I resolve to let the mask slip a let at least one eye peek around the edges...and to look straight into the eyes of the people I love.  With their patience, acceptance, and love, maybe tomorrow I can let loose an eyebrow.  


Friday, August 3, 2012

What ifs

Why is it that, when we are considering the possible outcomes of our actions...what our future may hold...our "what ifs" are almost always negative?

What if it doesn't work out?

What if I get hurt?

What if I'm wrong?

What if I fail?

And these "what ifs" fill us with such fear and doubt, that they can consume us and stop us dead in our tracks...terrified to continue forward...leaving us stagnating where we are.  

There are two separate problems with this sort of thinking.  

First of all, why is the negative a more likely possibility than the positive?   What in our lives has led us to the determination that it is far more possible that the worst will happen, instead of the best (or even just the "good")?  

What if it did work out?  

What if I don't get hurt?  What if, instead, I find some happiness?  

What if I'm right and this leads to something wonderful?

What if...just maybe...I succeed?

What has conditioned us to think so poorly of ourselves...of our common sense and decision-making skills...of our own innate abilities?  More importantly, how can we better learn to trust in ourselves and take those leaps with the expectation of:  

"What if it all is--what if I am--a huge, overarching, smashing success?!"?

The second problem with the negative "what if" thinking is the flip side of the coin...

What if it doesn't work out?

What if I get hurt?

What if I'm wrong?

What if I fail?

Why do we not meet these questions with one simple, infallible, response:

So what.

So what if it doesn't work out, and we get hurt, and we're wrong, and we fail.

So what. 

Everyone does...and thank god for that.  For without that difficulty...those challenges...those do we ever learn and grow?   We all have our dukkah, we all have our pain and our suffering, and through learning to find our balance again, we grow and become stronger and truer to who we really are.  

One of the greatest authors* of all time put it quite succinctly:

Wherever you fly, you'll be best of the best.
Wherever you go, you will top all the rest.
Except when you don't.
Because, sometimes, you won't.

Out there things can happen, and frequently do,
To people as brainy and footsy as you.
And when things start to happen, don't worry, don't stew.
Just go right along, you'll start happening too!

So, now, I ask you...what if?

Dr. Seuss: Oh the Places You'll Go

Friday, July 27, 2012

If you see me, will you tell me that I'm looking for me?

Ahhh...the question of the ages. 

How does one find oneself?  And how will you know if you do?  How do you know that said self isn't just an imposter?  

I am looking for my center.  (Have you seen it?)  Sometimes, I have a view of it...strong and clear.  Other times, it's just a glimpse.  And even other times, it is invisible...or unreachable...or unreadable.  

I wish I could grab on in those moments of clarity and hold tight to that strength.  It feels solid, and sure, and empowering.  In those moments, I am confident...I know my way forward and am able to move toward it with assuredness.  

The moments come more often these days, but they are certainly not my norm yet.  

In the in-between times I struggle.  

I struggle to stay strong, to stay calm, to stay here and and stay present. 

And I remind myself of my own resolutions:
1) Take pride in my accomplishments
2) Remember that baby steps are enough
3) Let love in
4) Be happy


Thursday, July 19, 2012

Therapy Thursday

The day was productive, even if I was fighting either a stomachache or a headache for most of the day.  

The gardens were watered, the first squash was harvested, and the lawn was mowed.  I made it to the pharmacy AND the library (all on my bicycle), and even sorted through some boxes of school supplies.  I had a lovely salad for lunch, which was followed later by a corn dog and ice cream for dinner and, in between, I took an hour of blissful reading and meditation.  This all led into a good afternoon therapy session, and now I am home and quiet with the family...SOSA right next to me, Daughter upstairs (happily ensconced in some tv show or another), and the pug snoring quietly as she sleeps on our legs. 

Not bad for a Thursday.  

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Have a drink on me.

Two alcoholic drinks in one day is about 1 1/2 over my limit. They were fun at the time, but now I just have a headache and want to lie down and sleep.

Yeah...I'm a cheap date. 

So...until tomorrow...a little AC/DC to get you through the night. 
On me. 


Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Just not happening tonight

Everything I write tonight is just too depressing to put out into the Universe.

So for tonight this is all I've got.

It'll have to do for now.

Monday, July 16, 2012

More than halfway there.

It's been a long day of cleaning and clearing, but it went better than expected.  Shockingly, nine years of teaching supplies can be moved in four paper boxes and a couple of grocery bags. All that's left are some books and some files. 

I am honestly feeling very little pain about it all.  Once again, I am reminded that this is the absolutely RIGHT decision, and that everything is going to be fine.  

I will continue to continue...keep moving forward and trusting in the process of the Universe. 

That, and eat Mexican food and chocolate. 

Sunday, July 15, 2012

Que Sera Sera

Tomorrow I go and clean my classroom...ending an era, of sorts.   If I think about it, it becomes overwhelming, so I am doing my best to just take it one baby step at a time. 

I'm in a strange limbo...neither here nor there...still connected, but in such a different way.  I find myself wondering (mostly not worrying) about what the coming year will look like.  How will my life adjust and change to meet this completely new experience?  How will I adapt to a new type of structure?  What does the Universe have in mind for me?   

For now, I am focusing on the for now.  Allowing it all to unfold in whatever way it seems to see fit.  Surrendering to the unknown and the new. Trusting that, whatever comes my way is exactly what it should be.

 Que Sera Sera*

*Nobody...and I mean nobody...does it like Doris Day.

Saturday, July 14, 2012

Feeling Woozy

A long day in the sun, although quite lovely, can really sap the energy outta ya!  As a result, I sit here, feeling a bit woozy, hoping that neither I nor SOSA regret our energy output today. 

But the yard is beautiful, ice cream was eaten, and good conversation was had by all.  

Here's to a good night's sleep, and to waking feeling rested and refreshed. 

Friday, July 13, 2012

What's in a name?

So...this morning the Partner informed me that, when blogging, I should now refer to her as SOSA: She of Supreme Awesomeness/Assholeness(Luckily, she doesn't seem to need me to use this term in our day-to-day personal interactions.) She decided that "Partner" was too generic, and that she wanted a title that was more clearly reflective of her super powers.  

And so, I make it so. SOSA it is. 

And why not?  

Maybe we each should pick our own title...something that we think reflects the best (and worst?) of ourselves, and flies our freak flag at its highest peak.   

What is my super power?  What is yours?  What will your life moniker be?

Hmmm...definitely food for thought. 

Thursday, July 12, 2012

Hormonal Hell

Mama said there'd be days like this.  

Well, mama never said that.  She was generally slightly bat-shit crazy, and the hormone's only magnified what was already there, so it never occurred to her to tell me that PMS is hell.  This is a truth that I have made perfectly clear to my own daughter.  In fact, we talk about it quite openly. 

My body decided to take its own sweet baby Jesus time getting around to actually bleeding this month, but that didn't stop it from going through some pretty seriously in-depth preparations.  Crying spells...check.  Boobs the size of ripe watermelons...check.  The need and ability to eat for 12 hours a day and sleep the other 12...check.  Blood...not so much. 

Until today.

And Moses parted the Red Sea.  And the bowels of the Earth churned.  And the Advil was taken with abandon.  

The saving grace of all of this is:
1) I'm not pregnant (Though if I was, I'd be on the phone to National Enquirer in a heartbeat to tell them that Jesus was coming back, but this time she chose a lesbian mom.  There's gotta be some serious bank in that story.)

2) In 36ish hours, I may actually start to feel somewhat "normal" and "sane" again.  

I'm pretty sure that's when the Partner is due to bleed.  

Woman your battle stations, folks.  


Wednesday, July 11, 2012

An apology to the Universe

How many times have I been offended or hurt because someone else has judged me? How often have I said that it is wrong to judge others?

And then I spend an extended period of time doing just that.

I owe an apology to the one I was judging, and to the Universe, as a whole.

Who am I to think I know better than the person themselves what is right or best for them? (And how many times has it infuriated me when someone did the same to me?!) None of us can ever know what decisions or choices are best for another person. (Hell, I haven't even gotten right for myself many of the times!) Each of us must do the best we can with what we have at any given moment in time, and trust that everything will work its way out. And, if we truly care about those people in the way we claim to, then our job is to be there to celebrate their accomplishments, provide support when it's needed, and be around to help pick up the pieces if it ever falls apart. We must do this with our whole and open hearts, and with the mindset of knowing that whatever decisions or choices were made were theirs to make in the first place. No judgement, no second guessing, no thinking we know better.

Because the absolute truth is, we don't.

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Finding Zen

I spent the evening on my deck with my sweet friend, A.  

As the cool breezes blew through, we talked about life...what it's been, and what it is.  

Those moments were perfect.  Even as we discussed the importance of realizing that the moments change--that life is filled with joy and dukkha*--I was able to fully and completely immerse myself in the perfection of that moment.  

And now I sit amongst the Partner and her band boys.  Music is surrounding is being created in front of my eyes (and ears)...and, again, the moment is perfection.  

As I go through each day, facing the many moments that present themselves, I resolve to remember that they are all of equal value.  They each offer me lessons and growth.  Joy or dukkha--they are all part of my life...part of who I am...and I resolve to do my best to welcome them all with open arms and an open heart. 

*(God, I love the word dukkha!  It sounds just like what it is: shit; suffering)

Monday, July 9, 2012

The beginning of the beginning.

The summer sun has finally arrived. Each day I am appreciating the glory of my burgeoning gardens...fruits and vegetables appearing among the leaves.

At the same time, I am working to stay grounded and calm in a time when my work future is so unknown. So many maybes and possibilities, so much unsure. Most of the time I am confident that all will be well, but there are also moments of panic.

Who am I to make this leap?

Does it make me a visionary, or just an irresponsible git? I suppose only time will tell.

Until then, I will do my best to relax and enjoy the moments of calm.

"It will all work out in the end. If it hasn't worked out, it's not the end."

Monday, June 25, 2012

Finding my way

Every day is a box of chocolates...seriously not sure what I'm going to get from one day to the next. 

Why can't I do with days what I do with those damned chocolates...cut them open to see if I like what's inside.  If I don't, I toss it.  If I do, I enjoy it.  


I guess it's just what life is, but life would be a whole lot easier if I could plan for the emotional ups and downs...maybe soften my knees a bit and find a solid balance so that I can ride the rougher waves a bit better.  (Thank you, TO'C...your metaphor has helped me more than I can say.)

Just writing this out helps me process my own crap.  Clearly, I need to just learn to let go and let life (and myself) be what it is.  It's hard though (she says, clearly whining her way through the morning).   

So, I guess I just take a bite and hope that it doesn't taste too bad.  (Spitting it back out really isn't an option, though god knows I've tried!) 

I do hate me a coconut cream though, ya know.  

Luckily, today is much more of a salted caramel.  
*No, this page was not paid for by Sees.  Although I wouldn't say no to a box of nuts & chews!