It’s strange…feeling as if I have somehow changed shape, and my skin and my insides are now working to see how they fit together. It is not yet comfortable, but it feels right. As if they are communicating back and forth… stretching here, giving there…to find the perfect fit. It’s disconcerting, though…not sure how it will end up. I’m not afraid, though, and this is new. Is this what it means to “find yourself”?
I’ve never understood that phrase. Am I not a sum of what I’ve been and done? Mother, partner, teacher, daughter, sister, friend. Turns out the answer is no. I am also not the words that others have given me—or that I have given myself—to define me. I am somehow none and all of these at once, as well as something else that has yet to be defined. That lack of definition is the disequilibrium I am feeling.
In some ways, it is a return to a past self…a re-looking at where I came from, what path I was on as a person, and a wondering of where I am now, and where I want to be going. I have begun to realize that it is never a done deal. We don’t “get there”, we don’t reach our goal of becoming something or someone…we are perpetually moving, growing, changing. For so long, I stayed where I was, oblivious to my surroundings, as well as my own self. It is only now, as I pay attention to what is both inside and outside of me that I am seeing what I’ve been missing. Me.
So now I commit to being an active participant in my own life and my own definition of myself. I commit to noticing, paying attention, and taking care. My new year’s resolution is simple, yet so very complicated…I will let myself become.