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Friday, October 5, 2012

Well this is unexpected.

All of my adult life I have repeated the refrain:

I could never be a stay-at-home mom. 

I would hate being a stay-at-home mom. 

I would be so would make me crazy. 

Well, here I am...a 47 year old stay-at-home mom. least for the moment...I'm actually totally diggin' it.  

The Universe has spoken decisively and clearly on this issue.  I had "plans"...things I was going to do.  But those plans were not what I was meant to be doing, or where I was meant to be at the moment.  At the moment, I am quite obviously supposed to be right here.  

One of my resolutions for the year (for those of you who may have read them back in January, and actually remember them) was to live my values.  One of the most important values I defined was that my family is my absolute, number one priority.  And yet...

When the daughter(s) and SOSA both clearly and repeatedly commented on how much they enjoyed and appreciated having me as a SAHM, I poo-pooed them.  I continued my quest for "real work", thinking that this was only a short-time, temporary gig.  Well...the Universe had no time or patience for that shiz.  

Those "plans" I had? They temporarily "fell through".   

And...after a bit of whining and suddenly hit me that I hadn't been listening (or at least not hearing).  

But now I get it.  

Here and now, doing this, is exactly where I'm supposed to be.  

The message has finally met the mark, and I am settling in to just being, and living, and enjoying this incredible gift I have been given.  Not to be too corny but it is truly a blessing, and I intend to appreciate every single second of all of it.  

What an unexpected and joyous surprise.  

As always, I send my thanks to the Universe for its wisdom and its patience. 

Sometimes I can be a little slow on the uptake. 

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Are you listening? Then vote!

Well...October's blogging certainly got of to an inauspicious start.  Second day in, and...nothin'

But, here I am again today.  Clean slate.  New start.  All that jazz.  

With the presidential debates tonight, and with all of the politics that have been flying of late, I find myself quite disturbed by the vitriol being spewed these days.  Whatever happened to lively debate?  

Differing opinions on important topics?  

Respectful discourse?

Instead, so many people (on both sides of the spectrum) choose to vilify, denigrate, and outright lie about their opponents.  What this means is that we spend hours...days...weeks...thinking and talking and worrying about things that either don't matter or simply are not real.  

What a waste of our time and efforts. 

Wouldn't it be nice if we could trust that those that are supposedly asking for our trust would simply tell us the truth.

About what they believe.

About what they'll try to do.

About what they stand for. 

And then we could and would make our educated and informed choices about which people and which group would represent us.  

Evidently this is too much to ask, and so the rhetoric continues.  

I know that this is not news to most people in our country, and I hazard to guess that most people in our country would prefer an intelligent discussion of the many issues that face us and our nation.   Until that happens, though (did anyone hear ice forming in Hades?) we can only do the best we can to attention...think...consider...cross our fingers....


Monday, October 1, 2012

Back to Blogging

Okay, Blogher...I accept the challenge!  NaBloPoMo October is on!  

This month is all about masks...the ones we wear every day for so many reasons. 

What I'm coming to realize is that the one I wear is for protection.  If I keep myself--my feelings, my fears, my foibles, and my failings--hidden from others, maybe they won't see or know how truly flawed I am.  

But the truth is that this keeps me separated from the people I love and need the most.  And it keeps me from being there for them just as much.  Neither of these is an acceptable outcome...neither of these is what I want.   

So today I resolve to let the mask slip a let at least one eye peek around the edges...and to look straight into the eyes of the people I love.  With their patience, acceptance, and love, maybe tomorrow I can let loose an eyebrow.  


Friday, August 3, 2012

What ifs

Why is it that, when we are considering the possible outcomes of our actions...what our future may hold...our "what ifs" are almost always negative?

What if it doesn't work out?

What if I get hurt?

What if I'm wrong?

What if I fail?

And these "what ifs" fill us with such fear and doubt, that they can consume us and stop us dead in our tracks...terrified to continue forward...leaving us stagnating where we are.  

There are two separate problems with this sort of thinking.  

First of all, why is the negative a more likely possibility than the positive?   What in our lives has led us to the determination that it is far more possible that the worst will happen, instead of the best (or even just the "good")?  

What if it did work out?  

What if I don't get hurt?  What if, instead, I find some happiness?  

What if I'm right and this leads to something wonderful?

What if...just maybe...I succeed?

What has conditioned us to think so poorly of ourselves...of our common sense and decision-making skills...of our own innate abilities?  More importantly, how can we better learn to trust in ourselves and take those leaps with the expectation of:  

"What if it all is--what if I am--a huge, overarching, smashing success?!"?

The second problem with the negative "what if" thinking is the flip side of the coin...

What if it doesn't work out?

What if I get hurt?

What if I'm wrong?

What if I fail?

Why do we not meet these questions with one simple, infallible, response:

So what.

So what if it doesn't work out, and we get hurt, and we're wrong, and we fail.

So what. 

Everyone does...and thank god for that.  For without that difficulty...those challenges...those do we ever learn and grow?   We all have our dukkah, we all have our pain and our suffering, and through learning to find our balance again, we grow and become stronger and truer to who we really are.  

One of the greatest authors* of all time put it quite succinctly:

Wherever you fly, you'll be best of the best.
Wherever you go, you will top all the rest.
Except when you don't.
Because, sometimes, you won't.

Out there things can happen, and frequently do,
To people as brainy and footsy as you.
And when things start to happen, don't worry, don't stew.
Just go right along, you'll start happening too!

So, now, I ask you...what if?

Dr. Seuss: Oh the Places You'll Go

Friday, July 27, 2012

If you see me, will you tell me that I'm looking for me?

Ahhh...the question of the ages. 

How does one find oneself?  And how will you know if you do?  How do you know that said self isn't just an imposter?  

I am looking for my center.  (Have you seen it?)  Sometimes, I have a view of it...strong and clear.  Other times, it's just a glimpse.  And even other times, it is invisible...or unreachable...or unreadable.  

I wish I could grab on in those moments of clarity and hold tight to that strength.  It feels solid, and sure, and empowering.  In those moments, I am confident...I know my way forward and am able to move toward it with assuredness.  

The moments come more often these days, but they are certainly not my norm yet.  

In the in-between times I struggle.  

I struggle to stay strong, to stay calm, to stay here and and stay present. 

And I remind myself of my own resolutions:
1) Take pride in my accomplishments
2) Remember that baby steps are enough
3) Let love in
4) Be happy


Thursday, July 19, 2012

Therapy Thursday

The day was productive, even if I was fighting either a stomachache or a headache for most of the day.  

The gardens were watered, the first squash was harvested, and the lawn was mowed.  I made it to the pharmacy AND the library (all on my bicycle), and even sorted through some boxes of school supplies.  I had a lovely salad for lunch, which was followed later by a corn dog and ice cream for dinner and, in between, I took an hour of blissful reading and meditation.  This all led into a good afternoon therapy session, and now I am home and quiet with the family...SOSA right next to me, Daughter upstairs (happily ensconced in some tv show or another), and the pug snoring quietly as she sleeps on our legs. 

Not bad for a Thursday.  

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Have a drink on me.

Two alcoholic drinks in one day is about 1 1/2 over my limit. They were fun at the time, but now I just have a headache and want to lie down and sleep.

Yeah...I'm a cheap date. 

So...until tomorrow...a little AC/DC to get you through the night. 
On me.